Friday, August 11, 2006

Fantasies

I'm making a promise. To myself as much as to you. There's a post I want to write about something very personal, but I'm basically too shy to actually write it. I've been forming it in my head, but have yet to sit down and physically write it out. The writers I most admire aren't afraid to write about anything, so I won't be either. I'm too tired to do it now, but by making this post, I'm commiting myself to it. I will not chicken out. I will share. Just not right now.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Big girl

I just got home from work. In the bus on my way home I, as always, started thinking about all the things I could write about here. There's always so much I want to say, and the silence and sitting still on the bus always make my mind race. Yet, as I come home the thoughts disappear. I am distracted by other things such as the tv, or dishes that need washing or the phone ringing or something else that demands my attention.

Spurred on by the comment left by BlueLoverGirl on my last post, I decided I would write today whether I felt I had something to say or not. I figured if I just started writing, something would come to the forefront of my mind and declare itself today's topic, and much to my own surprise, something has.

During the last two weeks or so, my e-mail inbox has been filling up with e-mails from people I went to boarding school with in '99/'00. Most of them I haven't seen since, apart from random run-ins on streets and in supermarkets. The reason for these e-mails is the planning of a reunion party.

I loved being in boarding school and wouldn't have been without that experience. It meant everything to me. At the time. The day my parents came to get me at the end of the year, I cried harder than I think I've ever done. I couldn't imagine anything ever even coming close to the experience that my year there was. Now, however, it leaves me oddly cold. I didn't get excited when I first heard about the reunion and it's not something I particularly want to go to. Perhaps it comes from the tone of the e-mails that are going around. While they are great and fun and all, the people sending them sound exactly like they did when I knew them. I think that maybe I'm also afraid that I sound like I did back then as well, and however much I enjoyed that year... I'm not willing to relive being 15.

Maybe I'm just over it. Over them and over that experience. The times when I've run in to some of them I haven't felt that we particularly had anything to say to each other once the how-are-yous and what-are-you-doing-nows were through. However sad it is to realise that things and feelings and people change, that is what has happened. I've realised that these people, who once meant the world to me, now have no significance in my life. While I still remember the girl I was at 15, I'm not her anymore. And while that in a way saddens me, I'm actually thrilled.

Friday, July 14, 2006

Would you like some more of that?

I don't have to be at work until 5 PM and was looking forward to staying in bed and reading a book (Life of Pi by Yann Martel - Man Booker Prize winner from a few years ago), a book that took only a few sentences to have me hooked.

However, lying in bed, I can't concentrate on the book. Instead I think of this new blog that I've started, and how I need to write something. I don't have a particular story I feel the need to get off my chest, but nonetheless, I feel I need to write something. My old blog, the official one, doesn't have a comments function, so I never knew if anyone other than my family and friends ever read it, and so I had no feeling of a responsibility to post something new.

Even just the few comments I've received on the first entry I wrote on this blog makes me realise that there are in fact people out there. People who may (!) be interested in what I have to say and that in turn gives me a feeling similar to the one I have when I have people over to my house. I want to feed them.. Physically with good food and wine and intellectually with interesting company and conversation. That's how I feel about you, internet. I want to make you fat. In the good way.

Saturday, July 01, 2006

Stupid festival

I've spent the last 6 or 7 years often wondering why I'm unable to form a real romantic relationship. These thoughts are usually punctuated with periods of time, where I for some reason suddenly feel content in my eternal state of singledom and happy that I'm not with anyone. Those content times are usually few and far between. However, I'm in one of those happy & single phases now, and it has lasted for several months. That, I believe, is the longest it has ever lasted for me.

Today is a beautiful day; The sun is out and it's warm. So it seems an unlikely day for me to be annoyed about not having a boyfriend. I have great friends to have over or meet up with, so a day like today ought to be all rainbows and unicorns. There's a reason why it's not. It's the festival. The stupid music festival that's on every year that everybody seems to go to. I was supposed to go this year, but having no money and a leg injury has kept me home. My friends on the other hand have (a little) money and uninjured legs, meaning that I'm practically the only one left in town.

So just today, I'm feeling that it would be kind of great to have a boyfriend. Also, so he could make me a smoothie.

The First One

This is my first post to this blog. I have another blog that all my friends and family read and so, like so many others, I find myself censoring my thoughts and leaving out posts on touchy subjects. What I really need is a place to vent and get rid of the things that are actually going on in my mind, so an "official" blog that my family (and everyone else I know) reads, just won't cut it.
If you read this, please post a little comment. Just so I know there's someone out there. Thanks.