Friday, August 11, 2006

Fantasies

I'm making a promise. To myself as much as to you. There's a post I want to write about something very personal, but I'm basically too shy to actually write it. I've been forming it in my head, but have yet to sit down and physically write it out. The writers I most admire aren't afraid to write about anything, so I won't be either. I'm too tired to do it now, but by making this post, I'm commiting myself to it. I will not chicken out. I will share. Just not right now.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Big girl

I just got home from work. In the bus on my way home I, as always, started thinking about all the things I could write about here. There's always so much I want to say, and the silence and sitting still on the bus always make my mind race. Yet, as I come home the thoughts disappear. I am distracted by other things such as the tv, or dishes that need washing or the phone ringing or something else that demands my attention.

Spurred on by the comment left by BlueLoverGirl on my last post, I decided I would write today whether I felt I had something to say or not. I figured if I just started writing, something would come to the forefront of my mind and declare itself today's topic, and much to my own surprise, something has.

During the last two weeks or so, my e-mail inbox has been filling up with e-mails from people I went to boarding school with in '99/'00. Most of them I haven't seen since, apart from random run-ins on streets and in supermarkets. The reason for these e-mails is the planning of a reunion party.

I loved being in boarding school and wouldn't have been without that experience. It meant everything to me. At the time. The day my parents came to get me at the end of the year, I cried harder than I think I've ever done. I couldn't imagine anything ever even coming close to the experience that my year there was. Now, however, it leaves me oddly cold. I didn't get excited when I first heard about the reunion and it's not something I particularly want to go to. Perhaps it comes from the tone of the e-mails that are going around. While they are great and fun and all, the people sending them sound exactly like they did when I knew them. I think that maybe I'm also afraid that I sound like I did back then as well, and however much I enjoyed that year... I'm not willing to relive being 15.

Maybe I'm just over it. Over them and over that experience. The times when I've run in to some of them I haven't felt that we particularly had anything to say to each other once the how-are-yous and what-are-you-doing-nows were through. However sad it is to realise that things and feelings and people change, that is what has happened. I've realised that these people, who once meant the world to me, now have no significance in my life. While I still remember the girl I was at 15, I'm not her anymore. And while that in a way saddens me, I'm actually thrilled.